How does a healthy romantic relationship work? – Part 3/3: How can I determine if we are stable as a couple?
A stable romantic level (= Level 6) always contains the sexual level (= Level 3). Only truly asexual people, who don’t feel sexually attracted to any kind of human sexuality would be an exception to this principle.
If two or more people are carrying out romantic activities (kissing, smooching, cuddling) as well as sex, an unstable intermediate level is the case: Level 3 on its own would be stable, however, Level 6 remains incomplete.
Relationship to each other | Mutual interest | Mutual activities | |
---|---|---|---|
6 (3, 4 and 5 must be included in order to achieve stability) |
Romantic relationship | Sharing each other’s life to the greatest extent, co-determining life decisions |
Kissing, smooching, long embraces / hugs, sleeping together, cuddling |
5 (inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional) |
Friendship | Thoughts and feelings | Deep talks or entertainment, looking into emotional issues |
4 (inclusion of 3 is optional) |
Acquaintance | Interesting topics, a hobby or project |
Advancement of a mutual topic, a hobby, or project, self experience in a group |
3 (excludes 1 and 2) |
Fuckbuddy | Casual sex | Sensuous eroticism, enjoying lust, fucking |
If the people involved decide to start a romantic relationship with each other, this decision leads to more stability. However, the unstable intermediate level continues further:
Relationship to each other | Mutual interest | Mutual activities | |
---|---|---|---|
6 (3, 4 and 5 must be included in order to achieve stability) |
Romantic relationship | Sharing each other’s life to the greatest extent, co-determining life decisions |
Kissing, smooching, long embraces / hugs, sleeping together, cuddling |
5 (inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional) |
Friendship | Thoughts and feelings | Deep talks or entertainment, looking into emotional issues |
4 (inclusion of 3 is optional) |
Acquaintance | Interesting topics, a hobby or project |
Advancement of a mutual topic, a hobby, or project, self experience in a group |
3 (excludes 1 and 2) |
Fuckbuddy | Casual sex | Sensuous eroticism, enjoying lust, fucking |
If the mutual commitment intensifies further and the people involved decide to be the life partner for each other as a consequence, the following change towards a stable Level 6 is also visible on the intimacy scale:
Relationship to each other | Mutual interest | Mutual activities | |
---|---|---|---|
6 (3, 4 and 5 must be included in order to achieve stability) |
Romantic relationship | Sharing each other’s life to the greatest extent, co-determining life decisions |
Kissing, smooching, long embraces / hugs, sleeping together, cuddling |
5 (inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional) |
Friendship | Thoughts and feelings | Deep talks or entertainment, looking into emotional issues |
4 (inclusion of 3 is optional) |
Acquaintance | Interesting topics, a hobby or project |
Advancement of a mutual topic, a hobby, or project, self experience in a group |
3 (excludes 1 and 2) |
Fuckbuddy | Casual sex | Sensuous eroticism, enjoying lust, fucking |
In order to share our lives with one another authentically, a romantic relationship must also contain a stable Level 4 (acquaintance, a mutual hobby/project) and a stable Level 5 (friendship, emotional interest for each other). If one of these levels is not active or already stable at the beginning of a romantic relationship, one of these two situations is the case:
- There has been a mix-up of the sexual and the romantic level caused by patriarchal lies which are probably unconscious to all individuals involved. In reality, at least one person involved only wished for casual sex in the sense of Level 3 and developed a secondarily motivated crush in order to get sex. A mutual Level 4 or Level 5 is optional in the most favorable case, but despised in the most unfavorable case.
- The people involved actually desire a romantic relationship with each other, however, they have to discover how to realise these levels together step by step. This necessary process of each serious romantic relationship is known by the term relationship work, or as I call it, fighting out one’s relationship.
Depending on how well the people involved have experienced (by parents) or learnt (by oneself) constructive arguing during the course of their lives, the relationship work can look different: In the best case, there are simply many constructive discussions, which consume energy, but still leave some quality time for relaxing and mutual activities. In the worst case, there is destructive arguing, which leaves all persons in the romantic relationship effete and can only be resolved through competent couple therapy or an individual psychotherapy of especially one or even all persons involved.
In order to generate such destructive arguing, it is not necessary to express a conflict openly. If one or all persons involved usually suppress conflicts, instead of indicating the conflict, a destructive, energy-consuming condition is the result. If a stable Level 4 or Level 5 is not the case (yet), that is presented on the intimacy scale like this:
Relationship to each other | Mutual interest | Mutual activities | |
---|---|---|---|
6 (3, 4 and 5 must be included in order to achieve stability) |
Romantic relationship | Sharing each other’s life to the greatest extent, co-determining life decisions |
Kissing, smooching, long embraces / hugs, sleeping together, cuddling |
5 (inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional) |
Friendship | Thoughts and feelings | Deep talks or entertainment, looking into emotional issues |
4 (inclusion of 3 is optional) |
Acquaintance | Interesting topics, a hobby or project |
Advancement of a mutual topic, a hobby, or project, self experience in a group |
3 (excludes 1 and 2) |
Fuckbuddy | Casual sex | Sensuous eroticism, enjoying lust, fucking |
Level 5, green areas: The mutual interest into each other’s thoughts and feelings is present, however, communication is destructive in such a manner, that the necessary activities (talking, actively sharing each other’s feelings) do not take place.
Level 4, green areas: The activities to establish a mutual hobby/project are carried out together, however, one person wishes for a different concept or priority of the hobby/project than the other, which is either indicated to the other person insufficiently or is ignored by him/her. Therefore, the mutual interest into the hobby/project is frustrated and no longer active.
The tables given above assume that the sexuality of the romantic relationship is mostly satisfying. Romantic relationships, whose sexuality is mostly unsatisfying because of patriarchal lies and/or destructive communication patterns are unfortunately in the majority. The intimacy scale reflects this as follows:
Relationship to each other | Mutual interest | Mutual activities | |
---|---|---|---|
6 (3, 4 and 5 must be included in order to achieve stability) |
Romantic relationship | Sharing each other’s life to the greatest extent, co-determining life decisions |
Kissing, smooching, long embraces / hugs, sleeping together, cuddling |
5 (inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional) |
Friendship | Thoughts and feelings | Deep talks or entertainment, looking into emotional issues |
4 (inclusion of 3 is optional) |
Acquaintance | Interesting topics, a hobby or project |
Advancement of a mutual topic, a hobby, or project, self experience in a group |
3 (excludes 1 and 2) |
Fuckbuddy | Casual sex | Sensuous eroticism, enjoying lust, fucking |
Level 5, green areas: There is some exchange of each other’s thoughts and feelings, but much too rarely and often secondarily motivated:”If I listen to you, it’s in order to get sexual favours or personal attention and not because I really care about your thoughts and feelings.” This secondary motivation shows that the emotional interest pertaining to Level 5 is either too little or not at all present.
Level 4, green areas: The interest in a mutual hobby/project is present on both sides, however, nobody takes enough time in order to realise it sufficiently. Therefore, activities pertaining to Level 4 do not take place.
Level 3, green areas: There is a conflict over how to realise the sexual level: One would like to try out new sexual fantasies, the other one only wishes to have sex in one or two fixed patterns. Thus, the mutual interest in having sex is frustrated and is less satisfactory than at the beginning of the romantic relationship. As a result, all persons involved pursue it more rarely.
The following variant is just as possible and assumes that a stable platonic friendship (= without sex) was present before the beginning of a romantic relationship:
Relationship to each other | Mutual interest | Mutual activities | |
---|---|---|---|
6 (3, 4 and 5 must be included in order to achieve stability) |
Romantic relationship | Sharing each other’s life to the greatest extent, co-determining life decisions |
Kissing, smooching, long embraces / hugs, sleeping together, cuddling |
5 (inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional) |
Friendship | Thoughts and feelings | Deep talks or entertainment, looking into emotional issues |
4 (inclusion of 3 is optional) |
Acquaintance | Interesting topics, a hobby or project |
Advancement of a mutual topic, a hobby, or project, self experience in a group |
3 (excludes 1 and 2) |
Fuckbuddy | Casual sex | Sensuous eroticism, enjoying lust, fucking |
A healthy interest in and a way to share each other’s thoughts and feelings is already the case, while the mutual sexuality and a mutual hobby/project is yet to be discovered and established as a stable level. The couple in this example has better chances than in the upper one to establish the missing stable levels: Because if the possibility for constructive discussions on each other’s thoughts and feelings is present, the topics simply need to be extended to an exchange on the mutual sexuality and on a mutual hobby/project.
The relationship work of the other couple is however unstable on all necessary levels at once. There is failed motivation as well as destructive communication: The persons involved therefore have to learn communication within the relationship from scratch, which is more difficult than building a romantic relationship with the tools of a pre-existing friendship. The issues and one’s wishes must be discussed and the conflicts must be worked out together. The key strategy thereby is”harmony through conflict” – which means that harmonic stability can only be achieved by doing the relationship work first.
If satisfactory solutions for all persons involved lead to a stable Level 3 (sexual activities), Level 4 (acquaintance), Level 5 (friendship) and Level 6 (romantic intimacy) with the romantic relationship(s) in place, a holistically functioning, stable romantic level has been established:
Relationship to each other | Mutual interest | Mutual activities | |
---|---|---|---|
6 (3, 4 and 5 must be included in order to achieve stability) |
Romantic relationship | Sharing each other’s life to the greatest extent, co-determining life decisions |
Kissing, smooching, long embraces / hugs, sleeping together, cuddling |
5 (inclusion of 3 and / or 4 is optional) |
Friendship | Thoughts and feelings | Deep talks or entertainment, looking into emotional issues |
4 (inclusion of 3 is optional) |
Acquaintance | Interesting topics, a hobby or project |
Advancement of a mutual topic, a hobby, or project, self experience in a group |
3 (excludes 1 and 2) |
Fuckbuddy | Casual sex | Sensuous eroticism, enjoying lust, fucking |